I am not okay.

As I sit here and think about the course of this day I can say confidently that I have experienced just about every emotion possible. Energy and fatigue. Calm and stressed. Elated and depressed. Content and discontent. Pleasure and pain. Excitement and boredom. Ease and frustration. Happiness and sadness. Confidence and insecurity. The list could go on and on... and I think many of you know exactly what I mean when I say that I can literally be experiencing conflicting emotions at the very same moment. Emotion overload! And, what tickles my feathers more than anything is the fact that I feel that I simply cannot express each one of these BEAUTIFUL emotions to its fullest. For whatever reason, be it my upbringing, my past experiences, or my current environment, I have a really difficult time expressing how I'm feeling... and if you ask me to put it into words, oh man... that's like asking me to tell you what color panties I'm wearing (they are actually black with different colored hearts... see how easy it was for me to tell the world about my skibbies, yet it's taking every ounce of my fiber to type the fact that today someone asked to pray with me and I felt WORTHY and IMPORTANT and that I had MEANING in someone's life).
My beautiful cousin today mentioned that she is a "sensitive and emotional person." Since when did those two things become so negative? Why is that there are so many women in this world who are just DYING to tell someone... anyone... how they really feel? Why have we become a body of believers who doesn't allow our brothers and sisters to share their feelings and thoughts? Instead we will quickly respond with an, "I'll pray for you." Yes, prayer is miraculous and God is the Almighty One who can change any situation, but ladies and gentlemen... Jesus had emotions too. Remember He wept, was tired and needed rest, was joyful with the children, was frustrated with His friends who betrayed Him. There is no reason for any of us to hide the way we're feeling... good or bad. Admitting and confidently vocalizing how we feel is just one more way that we can minister to those around us; one more way we can grow in ourselves.
I want to live in a community where people can comfortably express the way they feel. I want to live in a community where people are supportive and actually take the time to LISTEN to others because EVERYONE has thoughts, feelings, and a story that is worth sharing. It makes me so sad that there are so many of us (myself being a huge victim) who are telling ourselves that no one really wants to hear what we have to say, or that our feelings aren't "right." I want to live in an environment where I encourage others to be who they are, and am encouraged to do the same. I don't want to keep living in silence, trying to pretend that I'm okay... not overly good, and definitely not miserable... just okay.
Guess what?
I'm not okay.
I am energetic and exhausted, easy going and high strung, joyful and downcast, content and discontent, full of happiness and full of sorrow, and self-assured and self-conscience. I laugh and I cry. I smile and I frown.
I am no different than all of you.