As I sit here and think about the course of this day I can say confidently that I have experienced just about every emotion possible. Energy and fatigue. Calm and stressed. Elated and depressed. Content and discontent. Pleasure and pain. Excitement and boredom. Ease and frustration. Happiness and sadness. Confidence and insecurity. The list could go on and on... and I think many of you know exactly what I mean when I say that I can literally be experiencing conflicting emotions at the very same moment. Emotion overload! And, what tickles my feathers more than anything is the fact that I feel that I simply cannot express each one of these BEAUTIFUL emotions to its fullest. For whatever reason, be it my upbringing, my past experiences, or my current environment, I have a really difficult time expressing how I'm feeling... and if you ask me to put it into words, oh man... that's like asking me to tell you what color panties I'm wearing (they are actually black with different colored hearts... see how easy it was for me to tell the world about my skibbies, yet it's taking every ounce of my fiber to type the fact that today someone asked to pray with me and I felt WORTHY and IMPORTANT and that I had MEANING in someone's life).
My beautiful cousin today mentioned that she is a "sensitive and emotional person." Since when did those two things become so negative? Why is that there are so many women in this world who are just DYING to tell someone... anyone... how they really feel? Why have we become a body of believers who doesn't allow our brothers and sisters to share their feelings and thoughts? Instead we will quickly respond with an, "I'll pray for you." Yes, prayer is miraculous and God is the Almighty One who can change any situation, but ladies and gentlemen... Jesus had emotions too. Remember He wept, was tired and needed rest, was joyful with the children, was frustrated with His friends who betrayed Him. There is no reason for any of us to hide the way we're feeling... good or bad. Admitting and confidently vocalizing how we feel is just one more way that we can minister to those around us; one more way we can grow in ourselves.
I want to live in a community where people can comfortably express the way they feel. I want to live in a community where people are supportive and actually take the time to LISTEN to others because EVERYONE has thoughts, feelings, and a story that is worth sharing. It makes me so sad that there are so many of us (myself being a huge victim) who are telling ourselves that no one really wants to hear what we have to say, or that our feelings aren't "right." I want to live in an environment where I encourage others to be who they are, and am encouraged to do the same. I don't want to keep living in silence, trying to pretend that I'm okay... not overly good, and definitely not miserable... just okay.
Guess what?
I'm not okay.
I am energetic and exhausted, easy going and high strung, joyful and downcast, content and discontent, full of happiness and full of sorrow, and self-assured and self-conscience. I laugh and I cry. I smile and I frown.
I am no different than all of you.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I am not. But He is.
"Don't copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is."
Romans 12:2
I've never claimed to be perfect, in fact, I'll be the first person to tell you that sometimes I can be down right evil. Yesterday was one of those days that proved how human I truly am. I said some things that hurt another person, not to mention many others in relation. As the day unfolded and conversations were had, all I kept thinking to myself was what I did and said was not who I was created to be. Yet, we live in a sinful, fallen world, and I am no exception to all the Eves who walk this earth, continuously striving to do the right thing and be the best she can be in the eyes of the Father, but inevitably eating the fruit from the forbidden tree.
Despite the mistakes and hurtful things I was burdened with yesterday, I was able to face today because of grace. I know that the things that were done are simply not forgotten by those impacted by them, but they are forgiven by the One who is sinless. I have been wiped clean and given the chance (for the 7 times 70th time!) to change my way of thinking and to fight the temptations of this world that tell me gossiping and slandering is fun, but instead to be the one who is strong enough to admit that she was wrong and strive to set an example of what a godly woman would do: Take her sins and make them a testimony.
I started this year out saying that I am going to do things to achieve my dreams. Not one single dream on my "list" can be achieved without God's influence and direction. Each ambition that has been laid on my heart I am confident has come from God and I know that by Him alone my dreams will come true. However, if I'm still trying to please the world and "fit in", my view of what God wants for me and which step I need to take next will be clouded, and I'll wind up living life as I have for the past 24 years... with unfulfilled dreams.
Changing the way one thinks is no easy task. It will take discipline and self-control. It will take determination and will-power. But most importantly, it will take a deep desire in wanting to chase after the Lord and His perfect ways. No, I will never be perfect, but I can be better. I can be a person who is more concerned with pleasing the Lord and working towards her goals rather than a woman who merely has a place in this world.
Romans 12:2
I've never claimed to be perfect, in fact, I'll be the first person to tell you that sometimes I can be down right evil. Yesterday was one of those days that proved how human I truly am. I said some things that hurt another person, not to mention many others in relation. As the day unfolded and conversations were had, all I kept thinking to myself was what I did and said was not who I was created to be. Yet, we live in a sinful, fallen world, and I am no exception to all the Eves who walk this earth, continuously striving to do the right thing and be the best she can be in the eyes of the Father, but inevitably eating the fruit from the forbidden tree.
Despite the mistakes and hurtful things I was burdened with yesterday, I was able to face today because of grace. I know that the things that were done are simply not forgotten by those impacted by them, but they are forgiven by the One who is sinless. I have been wiped clean and given the chance (for the 7 times 70th time!) to change my way of thinking and to fight the temptations of this world that tell me gossiping and slandering is fun, but instead to be the one who is strong enough to admit that she was wrong and strive to set an example of what a godly woman would do: Take her sins and make them a testimony.
I started this year out saying that I am going to do things to achieve my dreams. Not one single dream on my "list" can be achieved without God's influence and direction. Each ambition that has been laid on my heart I am confident has come from God and I know that by Him alone my dreams will come true. However, if I'm still trying to please the world and "fit in", my view of what God wants for me and which step I need to take next will be clouded, and I'll wind up living life as I have for the past 24 years... with unfulfilled dreams.
Changing the way one thinks is no easy task. It will take discipline and self-control. It will take determination and will-power. But most importantly, it will take a deep desire in wanting to chase after the Lord and His perfect ways. No, I will never be perfect, but I can be better. I can be a person who is more concerned with pleasing the Lord and working towards her goals rather than a woman who merely has a place in this world.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Dreams do come true.
It’s a new year. Hello, 2012. Whether I am ready for you or not, you are here, and let me tell you, I’m feeling your pressure. People all around me are talking about their new year’s resolutions. Diet plans, exercise routines, budgeting finances, learning a new talent, all such great ambitions to strive for, but what about me? What will be different for me in 2012? How will I better myself?
I spent last night having a good conversation with a good friend about the future. The question
was posed if I could do anything I wanted to right now what would it be? I struggled to answer it. My response was to travel… to take a road trip with my cousins. How fun would that be?! It would be non-stop laughter, no doubt, along with jammin’ out to old school Avril Lavigne and eating Doritos and drinking chocolate milk (which hopefully would go down….this time ;-)). It would be a TON of fun. But is that really what I want to do? How would that better me? How would that better the world?
Today as I was running and talking to God (maybe I’m weird but there is no better prayer time than when I’m running) we brought that conversation back up. As my size 3 feet pounded the belt of the treadmill, God bombarded my heart with all the things in life I want to accomplish. God reminded me of my dreams. I left the gym not only refreshed physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well… isn’t God awesome like that?
So… here’s the deal. After being reminded of my hearts desires, I have decided that my resolution this year is to work toward achieving those dreams. My dreams are huge (well, most of them anyway) and will not simply be completed on a deadline (certainly not by MY deadline),
but there are definitely things that I can be doing now that will set me up for a brighter future with dreams come true.
Broken plans have scared me from setting goals and allowing myself to believe that what I want out of life can actually happen, but how silly that is?! While my plans may often fail, I am confident that the plans and goals I’m setting now will come true because I feel they are the true desires that God has placed on my heart… and attacked me with on my peaceful jog.
This year, you’ll hear more from me. I signed onto this blog and realized I haven’t written anything since July of 2010. I stopped writing because I felt like no one really cared to hear my thoughts, but as Uncle Favorite reminded me today (yes, God, thanks for sending a messenger to reiterate things… I know you know I wouldn’t have listened otherwise), people do care and believe that I have things of importance to say. Someday I hope to write a book. What that book will be about, when it will be written, and who will read it are all unknown right now, but one
step I can take now towards achieving that dream is to write. To write with confidence. To write believing that my words can make a difference, even if it is simply putting a smile on the face of one person.
2012 will be a beautiful year because God and I will be making amazing things happen; things I have only ever dreamed of. It’s not going to be an easy year, and I’m sure I’ll probably be asked to do many things I don’t really want to do. But, I know that my God will never forsake me or leave me (Deut. 31:6), and that if I am faithful to Him, he will see to it that my heart’s desires come true (Psalm 37:4).
Happy New Year, all. I hope you stay tuned to hear about my journey… and I pray that it
inspires you as much as I will be inspired.
I spent last night having a good conversation with a good friend about the future. The question
was posed if I could do anything I wanted to right now what would it be? I struggled to answer it. My response was to travel… to take a road trip with my cousins. How fun would that be?! It would be non-stop laughter, no doubt, along with jammin’ out to old school Avril Lavigne and eating Doritos and drinking chocolate milk (which hopefully would go down….this time ;-)). It would be a TON of fun. But is that really what I want to do? How would that better me? How would that better the world?
Today as I was running and talking to God (maybe I’m weird but there is no better prayer time than when I’m running) we brought that conversation back up. As my size 3 feet pounded the belt of the treadmill, God bombarded my heart with all the things in life I want to accomplish. God reminded me of my dreams. I left the gym not only refreshed physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well… isn’t God awesome like that?
So… here’s the deal. After being reminded of my hearts desires, I have decided that my resolution this year is to work toward achieving those dreams. My dreams are huge (well, most of them anyway) and will not simply be completed on a deadline (certainly not by MY deadline),
but there are definitely things that I can be doing now that will set me up for a brighter future with dreams come true.
Broken plans have scared me from setting goals and allowing myself to believe that what I want out of life can actually happen, but how silly that is?! While my plans may often fail, I am confident that the plans and goals I’m setting now will come true because I feel they are the true desires that God has placed on my heart… and attacked me with on my peaceful jog.
This year, you’ll hear more from me. I signed onto this blog and realized I haven’t written anything since July of 2010. I stopped writing because I felt like no one really cared to hear my thoughts, but as Uncle Favorite reminded me today (yes, God, thanks for sending a messenger to reiterate things… I know you know I wouldn’t have listened otherwise), people do care and believe that I have things of importance to say. Someday I hope to write a book. What that book will be about, when it will be written, and who will read it are all unknown right now, but one
step I can take now towards achieving that dream is to write. To write with confidence. To write believing that my words can make a difference, even if it is simply putting a smile on the face of one person.
2012 will be a beautiful year because God and I will be making amazing things happen; things I have only ever dreamed of. It’s not going to be an easy year, and I’m sure I’ll probably be asked to do many things I don’t really want to do. But, I know that my God will never forsake me or leave me (Deut. 31:6), and that if I am faithful to Him, he will see to it that my heart’s desires come true (Psalm 37:4).
Happy New Year, all. I hope you stay tuned to hear about my journey… and I pray that it
inspires you as much as I will be inspired.
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