Kayla

Last week I had the privilege of interviewing an incredible 12 year old girl named Kayla.  Kayla, to me, is your typical pre-teenaged girl.  She struggles with accepting herself as the beautiful woman she is, and she’s been hurt by people she thought were her friends.  As I sat there learning about Kayla, about the fantastic artist she is, the exceptional writer, the amazing softball player, I was so proud of the woman she’s becoming at such a young age.  But, in between the lines there was so much hurt, so much pain… so much fear and discontentment.  I listened to her mother talk about how Kayla is a follower and has such low self-esteem.  It broke my heart to hear Kayla’s biggest fan describe her in that way.  What about the beautiful poem she wrote and the talented singer and piano player she is?  I only pray that her mother will lift her up and encourage her to become proficient in all these areas she’s interested in because I know how easy it is for a 12 year old girl to get discouraged and forget all the things she excels at.  I know because I was that 12 year old girl.

As an adult my mother has always mentioned that I was the best fifth kid to have.  She’s shared with me that she loved that I was so great at playing independently, always being able to entertain myself.  I didn’t need others around to be happy, I just needed my imagination.  Somewhere down the line that little girl who was self-assured and content was destroyed.  And as I look back on my life, I’d say it happened for me about the same age that Kayla is now.  Having to deal with friends doing hurtful things, boys rejecting you, daily feeling that you’ll never be as pretty as the popular girl… it wears on a girl who is sensitive, even the independent ones.  As I was meeting with Kayla I wanted so badly to be able to reassure her that everything would be fine once she got out of middle school, that everyone would mature and things would get easier.  But the truth is, I think things just get harder… they have for me it’s seemed.  I remember nights throughout high school and college, lying in bed in tears because a friendship had changed.  To this day I oftentimes feel lonely and take things so personally when there are difficulties in relationships.  As I sat there wanting to give her advice, all I could think about was how I wish I were still the 4 year old girl sitting at home in my living room playing with Barbie… content and unharmed. 

I’ve realized lately how much I let other people control my emotions.  It’s taken me 12 years to realize this, but it’s finally setting in.  How my relationships are going directly effects my mood.  I’ve been feeling pretty convicted of this truth recently, realizing that my happiness should not be found in people, but in my Heavenly Father.  Scripture makes it very clear to us that if we put our faith in men, we will be let down.  Psalm 118:8 says, “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in people.”  And it can later be found in Micah that we can’t even trust our spouses and closest friends (7:5), but that only the Lord can save us and hear our deepest cries (7:7).  No, all of this does not mean that we should not have earthly relationships, God created us for companionship, but He also created us to have a personal relationship with Him.  Our goal here on earth is not to build solid human relationships, but our goal is to glorify Him and excitedly anticipate eternity at Home with our Savior.  Therefore, my emotions should not be directly related to how someone is treating me, but rather should be directly related to the One who forgives, cleanses and comforts me. 

My prayer is that Kayla will find her self-worth and confidence in Jesus, not in her friends, boys, or even her mother.  I pray for all the 12 year old Kaylas out there… all the 24 year old Kaylas out there… all the 60 year old Kaylas out there.  All the women like me who have never grown out of the middle school blues… We must remember that we have a best friend who will never let us down.  Ever. 

Undeserving

"She knows well I don't deserve her/ But she laughs and says, 'that's the way Love goes.'"

-Dave Barnes, "Grace's Amazing Hands"

Life hasn't been it's normal, mundane self for me the last month or so. There have been a series of semi-stressful events that have really thrown me through some loops and has challenged me in different ways. Without going into the details of those various situations, I will get to my point. Throughout each of the life circumstances that have come my way recently, one theme has rang true in all situations, and that theme is "Grace."

Today's sermon at church was about Jesus's death. Pastor reiterated a couple of times the fact that God voluntarily died for our sins. Jesus didn't have to endure the excruitating pain that He faced, but He did so anyway. The next question then is, "Why would He do that?" The answer is simple: Because He loves us so much.

It's a love none of us can fathom, though. It's an undeserving, unconditional, no matter what kind of love. The kind of love that none of us really knows much about. We are fallen creatures who were created to love in this way, but since sin has entered our world, loving consists of us getting what we want from someone else, and when they fail us, we leave them behind and find someone (or thing) new to love. It's not like that with Jesus. We mess up and He says, "Come here my friend (John 15:9-17). Find comfort in me (Isaiah 49:13). I have already taken care of it (John 3:16)." WHAT!?! Who says things like that to people who perpetually messed up? Jesus does. He dishes out grace like a huge helping of Grandma's mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving Dinner.

Without God's amazing grace, I'm pretty sure my thoughts, actions, and motives would have plummeted me straight to the gates by now. I am so undeserving of His love for me, but I am not going to let that hinder my faith in the One who makes all things new.

"But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it." Ephesians 2:4-9

I am not okay.

As I sit here and think about the course of this day I can say confidently that I have experienced just about every emotion possible. Energy and fatigue. Calm and stressed. Elated and depressed. Content and discontent. Pleasure and pain. Excitement and boredom. Ease and frustration. Happiness and sadness. Confidence and insecurity. The list could go on and on... and I think many of you know exactly what I mean when I say that I can literally be experiencing conflicting emotions at the very same moment. Emotion overload! And, what tickles my feathers more than anything is the fact that I feel that I simply cannot express each one of these BEAUTIFUL emotions to its fullest. For whatever reason, be it my upbringing, my past experiences, or my current environment, I have a really difficult time expressing how I'm feeling... and if you ask me to put it into words, oh man... that's like asking me to tell you what color panties I'm wearing (they are actually black with different colored hearts... see how easy it was for me to tell the world about my skibbies, yet it's taking every ounce of my fiber to type the fact that today someone asked to pray with me and I felt WORTHY and IMPORTANT and that I had MEANING in someone's life).
My beautiful cousin today mentioned that she is a "sensitive and emotional person." Since when did those two things become so negative? Why is that there are so many women in this world who are just DYING to tell someone... anyone... how they really feel? Why have we become a body of believers who doesn't allow our brothers and sisters to share their feelings and thoughts? Instead we will quickly respond with an, "I'll pray for you." Yes, prayer is miraculous and God is the Almighty One who can change any situation, but ladies and gentlemen... Jesus had emotions too. Remember He wept, was tired and needed rest, was joyful with the children, was frustrated with His friends who betrayed Him. There is no reason for any of us to hide the way we're feeling... good or bad. Admitting and confidently vocalizing how we feel is just one more way that we can minister to those around us; one more way we can grow in ourselves.
I want to live in a community where people can comfortably express the way they feel. I want to live in a community where people are supportive and actually take the time to LISTEN to others because EVERYONE has thoughts, feelings, and a story that is worth sharing. It makes me so sad that there are so many of us (myself being a huge victim) who are telling ourselves that no one really wants to hear what we have to say, or that our feelings aren't "right." I want to live in an environment where I encourage others to be who they are, and am encouraged to do the same. I don't want to keep living in silence, trying to pretend that I'm okay... not overly good, and definitely not miserable... just okay.
Guess what?
I'm not okay.
I am energetic and exhausted, easy going and high strung, joyful and downcast, content and discontent, full of happiness and full of sorrow, and self-assured and self-conscience. I laugh and I cry. I smile and I frown.
I am no different than all of you.

I am not. But He is.

"Don't copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is."
Romans 12:2

I've never claimed to be perfect, in fact, I'll be the first person to tell you that sometimes I can be down right evil. Yesterday was one of those days that proved how human I truly am. I said some things that hurt another person, not to mention many others in relation. As the day unfolded and conversations were had, all I kept thinking to myself was what I did and said was not who I was created to be. Yet, we live in a sinful, fallen world, and I am no exception to all the Eves who walk this earth, continuously striving to do the right thing and be the best she can be in the eyes of the Father, but inevitably eating the fruit from the forbidden tree.
Despite the mistakes and hurtful things I was burdened with yesterday, I was able to face today because of grace. I know that the things that were done are simply not forgotten by those impacted by them, but they are forgiven by the One who is sinless. I have been wiped clean and given the chance (for the 7 times 70th time!) to change my way of thinking and to fight the temptations of this world that tell me gossiping and slandering is fun, but instead to be the one who is strong enough to admit that she was wrong and strive to set an example of what a godly woman would do: Take her sins and make them a testimony.
I started this year out saying that I am going to do things to achieve my dreams. Not one single dream on my "list" can be achieved without God's influence and direction. Each ambition that has been laid on my heart I am confident has come from God and I know that by Him alone my dreams will come true. However, if I'm still trying to please the world and "fit in", my view of what God wants for me and which step I need to take next will be clouded, and I'll wind up living life as I have for the past 24 years... with unfulfilled dreams.
Changing the way one thinks is no easy task. It will take discipline and self-control. It will take determination and will-power. But most importantly, it will take a deep desire in wanting to chase after the Lord and His perfect ways. No, I will never be perfect, but I can be better. I can be a person who is more concerned with pleasing the Lord and working towards her goals rather than a woman who merely has a place in this world.

Dreams do come true.

It’s a new year. Hello, 2012. Whether I am ready for you or not, you are here, and let me tell you, I’m feeling your pressure. People all around me are talking about their new year’s resolutions. Diet plans, exercise routines, budgeting finances, learning a new talent, all such great ambitions to strive for, but what about me? What will be different for me in 2012? How will I better myself?
I spent last night having a good conversation with a good friend about the future. The question
was posed if I could do anything I wanted to right now what would it be? I struggled to answer it. My response was to travel… to take a road trip with my cousins. How fun would that be?! It would be non-stop laughter, no doubt, along with jammin’ out to old school Avril Lavigne and eating Doritos and drinking chocolate milk (which hopefully would go down….this time ;-)). It would be a TON of fun. But is that really what I want to do? How would that better me? How would that better the world?
Today as I was running and talking to God (maybe I’m weird but there is no better prayer time than when I’m running) we brought that conversation back up. As my size 3 feet pounded the belt of the treadmill, God bombarded my heart with all the things in life I want to accomplish. God reminded me of my dreams. I left the gym not only refreshed physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well… isn’t God awesome like that?
So… here’s the deal. After being reminded of my hearts desires, I have decided that my resolution this year is to work toward achieving those dreams. My dreams are huge (well, most of them anyway) and will not simply be completed on a deadline (certainly not by MY deadline),
but there are definitely things that I can be doing now that will set me up for a brighter future with dreams come true.
Broken plans have scared me from setting goals and allowing myself to believe that what I want out of life can actually happen, but how silly that is?! While my plans may often fail, I am confident that the plans and goals I’m setting now will come true because I feel they are the true desires that God has placed on my heart… and attacked me with on my peaceful jog.
This year, you’ll hear more from me. I signed onto this blog and realized I haven’t written anything since July of 2010. I stopped writing because I felt like no one really cared to hear my thoughts, but as Uncle Favorite reminded me today (yes, God, thanks for sending a messenger to reiterate things… I know you know I wouldn’t have listened otherwise), people do care and believe that I have things of importance to say. Someday I hope to write a book. What that book will be about, when it will be written, and who will read it are all unknown right now, but one
step I can take now towards achieving that dream is to write. To write with confidence. To write believing that my words can make a difference, even if it is simply putting a smile on the face of one person.
2012 will be a beautiful year because God and I will be making amazing things happen; things I have only ever dreamed of. It’s not going to be an easy year, and I’m sure I’ll probably be asked to do many things I don’t really want to do. But, I know that my God will never forsake me or leave me (Deut. 31:6), and that if I am faithful to Him, he will see to it that my heart’s desires come true (Psalm 37:4).
Happy New Year, all. I hope you stay tuned to hear about my journey… and I pray that it
inspires you as much as I will be inspired.

Sunburnt.

I've literally had the best couple of weeks! I have been surrounded by family, have had the opportunity to reconnect with old friends, and have met new people. I've spent days lying by the pool, wading in the water, and basking in the sunshine (maybe a little too long)! I don't know if the smile that is on my face right now can be erased.

Summer finally got here, and I'm so glad I let it happen! For so long I was in a dark (or maybe dimly lit) place, and while I understand there will be times when I get a little gloomy, I know that right now I have found some peace in my life that has set me free. There comes a time when you have to let go of the baggage you've been lugging around, and simply put on a swim suit and dive in... or better yet, burn all the memories in a bonfire :)

I couldn't be happier with the friendships I have right now, and I'm thankful for all the people who have made my life wonderful! I was thinking about who I would have as bridesmaids in my wedding if I were to get married right now (so many of my friends are getting married so it crosses my mind from time to time) and there were just so many beautiful and inspiring ladies in my life to choose from... I think I'm going to end up with about 20 attendants on my side alone. I sure hope my husband (whoever he is) has just as many supportive men in his life!

Well, I think I'm done ranting about how great things have been for me lately... I better go lather myself in aloe and get to wasting the rest of my 3 day weekend just lounging and relaxing. Life really isn't so bad. Thank you God for reminding me of that!

Sweet Summertime

It's been quite some time since I have blessed all of my readers with the wonderful thoughts from my head and heart, so since I have a moment, I'll just jot something quickly. There isn't too much weighing on my heart for once, so this blog may not be as interesting as some of the others, or perhaps it will be more???

It is now summer, and kind of has been for about a month. Now that I'm a real grown up with a career, I have kind of forgotten what all summer really consists of. Instead of filling my day with fun activities outdoors, I have been sitting at a desk making matches and writing case notes. Summer just isn't the same.

But, that could change, if I'm willing to let it. Now that I am aware that it's actually summer, July just a few days away, evening walks and weekends spent on the lake or in the park don't seem like such a bad idea. I need to remember to keep a little bit of my inner child. Anyone have any camping trips planned!?!?!?!?

Today it begins, a family dinner at Grandma's. That's what summers are all about for me. Family. Camping, the corn roast, the family reunion,fairs, fireworks, lake days, tanning on a towle, Elle's visit, EVERYONE's birthday. This is the life.

AND, to make this summer even greater, Kristin and I will be climbing on a jet plane heading out west to get into some trouble with our third partner in crime. Arizona and time with my two favorite cousins is all I day dream about these days (that and this cute boy I have a crush on!), and I cannot wait until August 6th!

Well, off to Grandma's... Kris and I have to buy our tickets before all the delicious food gets gobbled up!